You probably get millions of letters during this festive period, so I’ll be short: Damn, bring us a good present, it won’t be the end of the world! It’s enough Santa Claus, we’ve grown tired of “smoki”, chocolates, and chips. We’re not kids anymore for you to fool us with such knick knacks. Bring us a gift that’s worth it.

I know that you don’t have a lot of time and that you deal only with the most exemplary and honest people. In my opinion, you don’t have such a hard job since the world is filled with misery. And as such it is fertile ground for imposters, pirates and lazy people like me, tired of the life’s drivel. In this kind of environment, honesty and virtue have a difficult time surviving.

But we both know that the things I just said are stories told to mislead children. Leave foolishness aside now and don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean. I’ve seen you last Thursday at the bar drinking hot cocoa while the other person was drinking a cappuccino.

Please look at the attached photos from the above mentioned meeting. (Eight spoons of sugar! Who uses so much sugar? I’m not a doctor, but there is no chance something like that is healthy.)

Also, in the second envelope you’ll find the photos from that other meeting, which I won’t mention here.

There! Now that I managed to get your attention, please read carefully Mr. Claus:

Do you remember that New Year when I desperately wanted a transformers Optimus Prime toy? No, no, I’m not talking about the new movie. I mean the version from the cartoons, that’s like a big truck. Yes, the old style one. That one. What was the reason that I never got it? If I remember well, that year I was a particularly “good boy” for the sake of that transformer. I know, I know, leave the drivel aside. The political situation! You are Santa Claus. If you wanted to do something, that would be done. But anyway... As I said before, let’s leave foolishness aside. I want the transformer that I never had.

What? No, no, obviously that’s not all. What did you think, that I’d go through all that trouble for a transformers toy? This was only a warm up (and paying an old debt). This is the list of my desires:

1. I want a respectable academic title, so that people respect me more. And please don’t make a mistake with this “masters”. The entire city is filled with masters. I want a Ph.D., or more. As far as the field goes, I’ll leave it up to you to decide (for logistical reasons). The important thing is that people call me “Doctor.”

2. Papers. You decide what and how. All I want is to travel freely. By the way, what kind of a passport does Santa Claus have? It must be some diplomatic passport or something like that, so that you can travel easily from one corner of the world to another. What are the conditions for dual citizenship in the North Pole? Do you have to marry a penguin, or what? (Don’t tell me it’s a polar bear).

3. I want a job that pays a lot, but that is not too strenuous. Obviously with the position of a director, or principal director. Preferably something that would be coordinated with the PhD from the number one of this list. Perhaps a director at an institute, but not something that would make me seem boring. I want something that has action and adventure in the name. Artrit Bytyçi. Executive Director. National Institute for the Prevention of Imaginary and Hypothetical Events.

Santa Claus, please don’t get me wrong, but to be honest, I’m tired of suffering, and hopeless hopes, and empty promises. I hope you understand me and will fulfill my modest desires. If any of my wishes is not realized until the usual date for gifts’ delivery, there could be unpleasant occurrences. Let me paraphrase: There will be a lot of noise around those photos!

The article was originally written in Albanian.  
Illustration: JASON CUSTER
 
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