● The Junkie wants you to text her and call her all the time, always, no matter what, even if she can’t answer your call. The more you call the better because she needs a physical proof of your love and nothing screams L.O.V.E. louder than bunch of missed calls. She wants to know everything about your day. Of course, open junkies will bluntly ask you for details; closeted ones pretend they don’t care but will successfully lure you into talking about it.

● The Phobic doesn’t care about phone calls or caring texts. On that note, smiley face at the end of a text will probably sentence your relationships to the death penalty. Call her only when you really need to or when she tells you to call her.

● The Rationalist is simple, one call on a day when you’re not seeing her. Other means of communication are welcomed if they provide mental stimulation, for example, hilarious forwarded e-mails and interesting links on her Facebook wall – go for it, in large amounts. If you’re taking a vacation with your buddies, she won’t mind if you don’t call her before your return. She will expect the same treatment from you when she goes away with her friends. 

● The Junkie wants to live with you ASAP. She is domestic, a good cook, instantly knows how to take care of you which is why you fall for her easily.

● For the Phobic, living together is rarely an option. If somehow you get her to move in with you, make sure there is one room just for her. She needs a quiet place where she can hyperventilate in the dark every time she feels like breaking up because you put a chain around her neck with this ridiculous “honey, let’s nest” idea.

● If you want to live with a Rationalist, you have to prove to her you are worthy of her daily presence, she gives a lot and expects the same in return. Prefers moving in when she feels you are both ready for it.

And here is the final secret about us you will be happy to know. The truth is we don’t know what we want half of the time, if we knew, we would tell you and we wouldn’t change our minds about it.

There are no rules, no tips, no tricks, no recipes, no perfect instructions for handling a woman’s mood or providing her with exactly what she needs the moment she needs it. Basically, all women are the same in their core, regardless the country of their origin, and Balkan women are no exception. Take everything you read here. Wrap it up in quantum physics and existential philosophy. Dip it in irrationality and transcendence. Now multiply it with a billion. That is what women are: They are indefinable.

You just go with the flow, follow your instincts and hope for the best.

The article was originally written in English.
Photo: Ruadh Delone
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