The French have cheese, croissants, Paris, La Revolution, fashion and huge language issues.

The Americans have junk food, New York, George Washington, the Declaration of Independence, Springsteen and wars.

The Germans have Wiener schnitzel, Einstein, Berlin, Oktoberfest and Deutsche mark nostalgia.

The Brits have Guinness, fish & chips, 5 o’clock tea, Churchill, London and the oh so charming, statuesque totally-don’t-care-if-he’s-getting-bald Prince William.

The Italians have pasta, wine, the Colosseum, Berlusconi and the Sicilian mafia.

The Japanese have sushi, sake, sumo, samurais and technology.

The Chinese have rice, green tea, the Great Wall, dynasties and Sun Yat-sen.

The Russians have vodka, ushankas, Lenin, Red Square, billionaires and unfortunately these days they also have Putin. You can’t have it all. Unless you are Croatian.

Just so you know, we have everything and everything we have is better than everything any of you have because that is the way the world turns, around us, for us, according to us. We are the key to every closed door and the answer to every question. Croatians have the most beautiful coastline, the best cuisine, warlord generals and athletes whose strength and discipline would put those of the ancient Greeks in shame. The sun shines brighter here than anywhere else and we can make a pie out of crap.

What you have just witnessed here is a full-blown superiority complex. If you suffer from it or you are just experiencing some of the symptoms, you are officially becoming a nationalist. Don’t be afraid of it, just accept it. I know nationalists are usually portrayed as loud right-wing crazies. Left, right, center, it doesn’t matter. Being a nationalist is so much more than a definition of your political views.

Merriam-Webster offers a very rational definition of nationalism: “loyalty and devotion to a nation, a sense of national consciousness exalting one nation above all others and placing primary emphasis on promotion of its culture and interests as opposed to those of other nations or supranational groups.”

Put all that in one word and you get – superiority.

The Cambridge University dictionary defines it as “a great or too great love of your own country.”

Do not listen to Cambridge.

Remember, the first rule of nationalism is you can never love your country too much and you can never love your country enough. Do not try to define this love. If someone asks you to, just put your right hand on your heart, sigh and explain that this love goes beyond all reason and words. If you are really hard core, you can hum a verse of national anthem.

Always do your best to describe how you are morally bound by gene pool to celebrate the honor of being a part of your nation. Stories about the troubled past, blood once shed and lingering pain are mandatory tool for proving your point. No matter how much they try to shut you up, make sure you always find a way to speak up, at all costs. Getting arrested is the ultimate sign of love and respect for your country, for true nationalists mug shots are medals.

Speaking of medals, I’m sure you all remember how Croatia won the World Cup bronze medal in 1998. For your information, we were robbed! We are still not sure if we were robbed by France or ourselves, but the fact is we should have won the gold that year and as far as we’re concerned – that’s exactly what we did.

This leads us to the last rule of successful nationalism.

No matter what, you are always the best, you are always first, you are always right. That means even if you’re technically the last or disqualified, it is never your fault and someone else is responsible for your misfortune.

I would like to point out that this is not a joke. These are actual guidelines for nationalists. If you are a bit classier by nature you can tone it down a little but always love your country with all your heart. It is the appreciation of who we are and where we come from that makes this world such a beautiful and diverse place.

The article was originally written in English.

Illustration: Marie Fette

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